I can't find the motivation to write.

But, does that mean I give up?

Jul 16, 2020

So, it’s been a while. I think the last letter I wrote was about a week ago or so, and since then I couldn’t help but feel guilty for not sticking to my schedule. I’m not trying to slack off, I swear. I’m very passionate about watching Netflix, but not enough to entirely stop writing.

However, I do feel like I’ve lost myself somehow, somewhere, within all of the work I’ve been doing this summer. Being a freelance writer for over a month now has given me so much time to write hundreds of pitches. (Yes, I’ve reached the hundreds. Big sad.) But, I don’t ever feel like I’m actually writing. I don’t get that same euphoria of just sitting and getting lost in the words with pitches. I thought it was like a sore throat at first, but now I fear it’s something more. I feel as though I’ve lost my voice completely.

Wow, perfect time to do that, right? With college applications still looming over me, I know I need to get writing, and fast. So, here I am, attempting to think of anything, l i t e r a l l y anything, that I could write about for my Substack.

I know I’ve already discussed writing in one of my previous letters, and how much happiness it brings to me. However, as with everything, there is a downside. When I can’t find the motivation to write, I’ve lost my whole self. There is no other way I can find to express myself, my thoughts, my feelings, as effective as writing is. I feel like an empty shell without writing.

Sure, I could play my flute or draw or something; that would certainly make my mother happy. However, the ecstasy I feel from playing my flute or designing a graphic is not me expressing myself, but rather just enjoying myself, if that makes any sense at all. It’s just not the same as spilling my mind onto a virtual piece of paper.

Writer’s block happens though. And it happens often to me, where I just can’t bring myself to type out another page or two. I feel like I’m a fake. Why am I writing if I can’t write 20,000 words a day, like that guy on Medium did? (Imposter Syndrome kicking in right about now.)

But, I am a writer. I know I wouldn’t be “me” without writing. So, how do I get that piece of myself back?

Well, I guess I just have to keep writing.

UPDATE: This was written about 3 hours ago. I can confirm I have now sent in about 7 or so different pitches and still going. I’m back, y’all. I think… I hope.

xoxo

Srilekha <3