I don't think I want to go back to school

I'm sorry, but social stress might finally be beating me.

I’ve always been the kind of person to love interacting with people. It was my thing as a kid to always be talking. I was a constant annoying little kid who didn’t know how society worked, and I’m pretty sure half of my family hated me for that.

When I moved, it all changed. Texas was a whole new environment– I mean new people, new places, new community. I was terrified.

I failed at first after moving. I made maybe one or two good friends and hung around with the wrong crowd. Not drug dealers, but they might as well have been as they were so toxic. (That’s one thing that carried over with me for years– toxic friendships.) Being introduced to a new environment smack dab in the middle of middle school ruined me, or at least my mind.

I’ve always felt as though people thought I was okay just because I’m rambunctious on the outside. Just because I talked a lot, or because I liked to laugh… a lot. Don’t ask.

However, just because I looked like I was fine, doesn’t mean that I was. That’s something a lot of people forget when talking about mental health. Someone with depression could look completely happy on the outside. Your body does not always show your emotions and feelings.

A couple weeks back, I finally decided to get out of lockdown and go to HEB with my family. The second I stood outside of my car, a wave of fear washed over me. I felt as though if anyone even saw or heard of me, it would be incredibly embarrassing. I felt as if I would say something wrong if I saw them. I don’t know, I just didn’t want to see anyone.

Honestly, I feel the same way with school. The thought of having to take a test again with people surrounding me in their own desks or listen to another lecture makes my body cringe physically.

It’s not that I don’t miss my friends. I miss everyone so much. In fact, the other day, I went in and texted all of my friends I hadn’t talked to in June asking how they were, because I do miss them so so so much. And if they asked me to facetime with them, I probably would.

However, would I see them in person?

I don’t know if I’m quite ready for that yet.

At least we still have a couple months to prep ourselves.

Good luck, & much love! <3


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